


Flowey's Guide to Friendship

by dragonashes



Series: Quintessence: Undertale One-shots [7]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, Implied Violence, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Spoilers - Undertale Neutral Route, Spoilers - Undertale Pacifist Route
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-11
Updated: 2016-12-11
Packaged: 2018-09-07 20:03:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8814376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragonashes/pseuds/dragonashes
Summary: Frisk has been having some trouble at school, and Flowey decides to help out his BEST FRIEND!  ...This goes about as well as one might expect.
Time for some backup.  Even if it is...the smiley trashbag.





	

“Howdy!”

Finding himself face-to-face with his very worst nightmare, Sans didn’t bother _walking_ back around the corner.

He heard a sigh.  “Look, smiley trashbag.  I don’t like you, and you don’t like me, but I...really do need to talk.”

Sans felt the burn of magic in his left eye.  He stepped around the corner again, ready to teleport away again if the weed tried anything...funny.

“hey.”

“Oh!  Is THAT where you went?  I really expected somewhere more...creative.”

“you said you wanted to talk.  so...talk.”

Flowey clearly wanted to taunt Sans further, and Sans was willing to use any excuse to take a shortcut back home for the weed killer.  To his surprise, Flowey swallowed (literally swallowed - how did _that_ work?) his pride and rearranged his leaves in a stiff parody of a friendly wave.

“So...you know that new school Frisk has been going to?”

“yeah.  what about it?”

“Frisk has been...talking to me.  About school.”

“...and…?”

“I...she...hmmmm…”  Flowey looked away, an irritated look on his face.  It was a look Sans knew well.  He prepared to defend himself...but Flowey didn’t attack.  “Okay.  Look.  Frisk... _talks_ to me sometimes.”

“i know.  you said.  i knew already, though.”  Sans didn’t approve - at _all_ \- but the kid had cared enough to SPARE Flowey, so he would tolerate the weed.  Barely.  With lots of magic and sharp objects at the ready for when it inevitably got bored and decided to stir up trouble.

“O-oh?  I mean, right!  Yeah, of _course_ you know!  But I bet I know something YOU don’t!”

“really?”

Flowey looked at Sans expectantly.  Sans stared back.

“Well??  Aren’t you gonna ask what it is?”

“why?”

“What do you mean, ‘WHY?’”

“well, you popped in on me for a reason.  i figure you’re either waiting to tell me something, in which case, you’ll tell me regardless; or you’re just taunting me ‘cuz you’re bored, in which case i don’t think there’s anything _i_ could do to convince you to tell me.”

“R-really.  Well.”  Flowey sighed.  “Well, fine.  Fine!  You’re boooooring anyways!  I don’t _want_ to tell you anymore!”

Sans just waited.

“AAARRRGH!  Fine.  Frisk is being bullied.”

“really.”

“Yeah.  She made me promise not to tell, but...I mean, does she even _know_ me?  I’m, like, the _least_ trustworthy person she knows.”

“no kidding.  so...why tell me?”

“Because...argh!  Look.  Like I said, we _don’t_ like each other…”

“understatement of the century.”

“...BUT we both like Frisk.  And I figure, between the two of us, we can...do something to the bullies to make them...not bully Frisk anymore.  EVER.”

“that’s remarkably forward-thinking of you.  huh.  i wouldn’t have pegged you for the strategic type.  but the question still remains: why _me?_ ”

“Because...because nothing else _worked!_ ”

Sans felt his joints tense as he registered the implication.  The weed had always been hard to read - lacking a SOUL and a proper body made it difficult to emote - but Sans caught a flash of...something in its body language.  “this isn’t the first time you’ve done this.  the kid’s been LOADing again, hasn’t she.”

“Well, _duh_.  If you’d answer your fu-reaking phone, you’d know that.”

Sans made a mental note to charge his phone when he got home.

“I _did_ handle it myself, you know.  It was SUPER easy!  I just found the little _idiots_ , grabbed their feet, and pulled them into the ground!  It was GREAT!  I even left them enough air to call for help!  Didn’t actually do them much good, though; some _idiot_ tried to drive a truck over to help, and…”  Flowey made a smooshing motion with his leaves.  “Frisk was sooooo mad!  She LOADed pretty quick when she found out what I did.

“I tried all sorts of things.  I strung them up in trees, buried them deep underground, tossed them off the roof...but Frisk kept interfering!  So I had to take care of Frisk.  I waited for Frisk to leave, I trapped Frisk in the bathroom, anything to keep her out of the loop.  I even snuck into their houses at night once - _that_ one was fun; caused a little bit of a national incident!   _Everyone_ was mad at monsters, even other monsters!”

Sans clenched his fist, trying not to lose his lunch.  Or blast the flower into oblivion for things that hadn’t, technically, happened...yet.

“But every time - _every_ time - Frisk just LOADed!  It’s getting really, really boring.”  The flower’s face morphed into something that looked a bit like Toriel’s.  “I just wanted to do something _nice_ for my _best friend_ , you know?  I don’t get why she’s being so _ungrateful_.

“But anyways.  Since doing things _myself_ won’t work, I decided I needed help!  Papyrus...won’t trust me anymore, though.  I thought that dweeb would believe in someone no matter what, but the idiiiii...um…”  Flowey stuttered, losing the weird face, and Sans didn’t need a mirror to know the expression he was wearing.  At least the flower had _some_ sort of self-preservation instinct.

“...S-so, uh, yeah!  Telling Papyrus didn’t work.  I tried Undyne, but...I guess Alphys warned her about me.  Da...uh, Asgore didn’t want to talk to me, either; I guess he remembers more than I thought.  T... _she_ kinda...knows that I’m around, but she doesn’t know...well, anyways.   _She_ remembers me from the Ruins, so she...doesn’t have the greatest...impression of me.  She thought I was...kinda lying.

“That pretty much leaves... _you_.”

“gee, glad to know you care, _bud_.”

“Oh, shut up.  We both know you’re the biggest spoilsport around.”

“and we both know _why_.”

“Never could figure out why that was, actually.  I mean, you clearly remember me _now_ , but you implied that you didn’t at the time.  You just kept doing the same old thing, over and over and over again.  So yeah, you remember me now...but you don’t remember all the recent LOADs?  What, have you just been sleeping through them?”

“just get to the point.  what do you want me to do?”

“Take out the bullies, of course.”

“see, that’s where you’re going wrong.  you think that killing people will make people like you, but it doesn’t.  it just makes them dead.”

“...That’s a reference to something, isn’t it.”

“wouldn’t _you_ like to know.”

“AAARGH!  YOU ARE SO ANNOYING!!!”

“but hey, why don’t we try, i dunno, _talking_ with frisk about the problem.”

“...Talking?”

“talking.  yanno, see how frisk wants to handle things, get her side of the story, see if the school is trying to work things out...that kind of thing.  frisk’ll probably appreciate that a bit more than, say, murdering her classmates and starting an international conflict.”

“Hmph.  Fine.”

At that moment, Sans realized that he had effectively volunteered to babysit a homicidal flower.

_ Great. _

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! This was originally going to be part of one of the longer stories I'm working on, but that story veered off in a different direction and this scene stuck out like a sore thumb. It stands alone well enough, so here it is!
> 
> Sans's quote that Flowey couldn't figure out is paraphrased from "A Very Potter Musical." Flowey would probably make a very good dubiously-motivated Dark Lord.
> 
> If you enjoyed "Flowey's Guide to Friendship," feel free to check out my other works! I have a series of one-chapter short stories ("Quintessence: Undertale One-shots") and some longer stories in the works. I'll be posting the latter once they're completely finished.
> 
> Thanks to everyone who has read my stories, and especially to those who left kudos and comments! While I write primarily for my own enjoyment, your support encourages me to keep posting. Much love!


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